Agonizing frustrations

i am deeply frustrated today,simply deeply. the funny part is i hope communism existed,there is so much partiality evrywhere,simply so much. i dont have oppurtunity to do lots of things,lots of things i am really good at,i have quality, but due to lack of oppurtunity and abundance of limitation, i cant prove it. ppl who have complete independence have every doors open for them,they dont need any other pre-requisite; funny how this independence thing always comes in between my ambitions. i feel really sorry for myself, i am tied by lead,so hard that i cant lift myself up. i lie odwn helplessly and see ppl fly by me with ecstasy , i am agonized,once more.

i want to talk about my problems,i want to share my worries with you. but i cant do that. u r so obsessed with urself, u dont have time to lend and ear to my screams which echoes amidst me. if i even say my frustrations to u, u wud simply get disgusted instead of saying two soothing words...i step back..with fear,with scars going deeper..i stare at the sky , drop of tear glistens on my cheek for a moment then dissolves...doesnt matter...does it honey?

Sweet November

I just watched the movie,its so eternally and unrealistically sweet...rite they says ...this typo love only happens in movies. too sweet to be true,aint it? May be..
I was so engrossed in this movie that for once i started regretting the absence such true love; even i aint exceptional, many a times i find myself buried in the hectic academic and career schedules so much that i ignore my feels. life now does not give us the oppurtunity to listen to our own heart-beats. i dontlike this kind of life..i am bound to give in this competetion,only so that i dont fall behind,but honestly, i dont like it,i dont.
i have always wanted a simple n peaceful cosy life, with love n love evrywhere. guess i am still in utopian world...now am i? but i guess it aint a fault to expect it...dreams dont have limits,no bundaries to frame them in....do they?
Nah,theya ctually said it right, love is for movies and books, not for real life, nobody would care for me so much, abt each of my tiny feels and aspirations, and wud die to see me happy....it only happens in movies...ya rite !

Meltdown

Some disturbing happenings. When u are bugged due to your own mistakes, that’s totally understandable, but being really bothered due to someone elses mean-minded attitude, leaving u suffer irritating circumstances…simply gets on my nerves. And I really detest those kind of people who spreads black talks regarding sumone to sumone and tries to be all-goody to everyone thinking he delivered some very important information…those suckers…rot in hell! Ahh..i really should calm myself down…but I am so damn pissed…so very much..

I feel very scattered today, as if I need to accumulate lotsa things-for the long run. Sumtimes I am so in dilemma…thinking abt future and lotsa other things. I wish I had all the raw-materials needed. I have to work hard to accumulate em all. I cant hold myself at times…its tiring…to keep on fighting endlessly against circumstances, people and with ur very own self. I wish I had some pacifier…who would hold me very close and utter to me timeless tales. Sometimes I really wish he were bit more extrovert, not always , but atleast sumtimes…I really need to be cuddled at times, when I am extremely tired and lonesome, when I find myself really shelterless, I wish he would understand and say sweet things that wud make me feel sublime again. I don’t blame him, I know hez sweetest…but I just wish if sumtimes, for a change, he would take care of me..i just wish…a fairy –tale wish…

Its one of those days when u rethink over matters and consider urself “lucky”. Hmm…for the pessimistic sort of person like me…this is a feel in a million..really! Its not that I always feel the same, but sometimes , when I sit, level-headed, having a friendly conversation with my own –self, I know it in my heart, I am lucky. I have a family ,which is not “fatafati understanding” like others…but at least, they loves me more than their life. I might not have facilities from my family or independence, but I have something more precious to cherish…feelings..the unconditional love and innumerable sacrifices my parents makes for me. And I have got a loving person who is my everything-sometimes hez my closest friend, sometimes mhez my guardian,scolding for the miniature errands I commit (innocently;),sometimes my lil child commiting loads of mischiefs,and sometimes my soul-mate, providing me with warmth of love in a very introvert way-My clupi…my love……my duttu…my adii.

I see ppl singled out asks each other out…within one or two day..they starts goin gout,then they declare them officially as couples, some more parties with each other, then one fine morning one argument,and finally break-up. And then the newly singled out again “searching” …pathetic old cycle. Now I see these cycles quite very often…so I rethink over my scrap of good old complains. And neutrally speaking , I shudnt complain, I have got more than perfection. After rethinking, I must confess, he was right. And I really don’t want cheeky love that lasts for a while, instead I am very happy with the silent dedication he has, with his silent ways of expressing the love that is pure and warm…and evelasting. No seriously guys, I AM lucky..alhamdulillah :D

My Homie

I sometimes simply wonder how my adi perfectly fits as Homer Simpson. Hez juss like that. Chubbly dubbly,always messes everything up and still wont be least serious as needed. Hez cute…aint he, my sweet fatso! Hez just that big man with more inncocence and immaturity than a child. And I dunno why, this very weird characteristic of his makes me love him more dearly. I guess I have some neurons missing….D’oh! I love his simplicity…love the way he isn’t afraid of calling a spade a spade, love the way he feels sheepishly, love his charm, love the way he stares deep into my eyes ,love the way he mocks me, love the way he scowls at me, and love the way ….he is HIMSELF…and before u make me angry again , I want to say loud clear,on top o of my voice….U r the sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeetest honey,u r my Homie........Chokaaaaaash!

Dried Tears;Fake smiles

Facing my chin up, staring at the scrap of sky that’s visible through my lil rectangular window, once again Iet myself splash…amidst my whimsical wave of thoughts. Somehow it eases me…provides me some fresh air to breathe in..lessens my suffocating suffocation. Today’s rambles? “TO BE A PART OR TO BE APART”

They says “If u love someone, let him free, if he comes back, hez been urs; if he doesn’t, he was never urs.” So I let thee free. I close my eyes, my lips flash a slight curve. I know things aint working that way. Some people are born different, they can be happy anywhere and everywhere, no factors are variables. Or should I say I am different? Why do I yearn for this presence in every moment? I shud be tired…just like the way ppl are of me. But still I aint..not the least; and I still yearn and jump to my feet whenever I have the slightest opportunity to see that silhouette. I crave to look into those eyes, to brush my hand against those fingers, to ruffle those hairs….but now look at me…hez so close and yet all I do is blankly stare , trying to touch him with my vision. I don’t gather up the courage to touch….past he “screams” at me. I take my hand back, my heart aching a bit…just a bit.

I got my prince charming who walked into my life gallantly and enlightened my life with the spectrum of dreams. i started living on house of clouds . I was happy. All through my life I craved a drop of love, I got embraceful of it…poor me….i helplessly look for it here and there …picking up even tidbits of that precious love which I am completely deprived of now. Reminds me of a song-

“Zindegi mein kabhi koyi aye na rabba

Aye jo koi to fir jaye na rabba

Dene ho agar tujhe bad me aasu

To pehle koyi has aye na rabba”

I am brittle-very much. I cant solve the equations of past n present. Those desperateness, those dedication….i want my life to stop there. I am very lonely little soul, I cant face cruel world. The person whose heart ached for me, who were always there to comfort me, is now in oblivion. I don’t want to be practical, I want to be cuddled by those dreams….i don’t want to be left all alone amidst a big crowd.

If any of u ever meet that person ,tell him that little girl is very afraid..she is very timid, she always has been so throughout her entire life, tell him everyone in this world is very rude, they stabs her feelings, tell him his once cared ,once most precious clupi now shudders all alone,with everyone walking past her, busy with their own life, busy with their own goals ignores her completely…tell him she doesn’t know this world, tell him she searches helplessly for him….and she counts stars with the hope he wud be back and embrace her and love her just the way he did. And he wudnt leave her all alone…to make her feel helpless. Tell him …wud u?

Clupination

And thats exactly how life is, pains make the honey of happiness sweeter.....true u hurt me deeply sumtimes, but it cant stop me from loving u madly; u know y ? coz the sweetness of the love we share is a lot more sweeter than the bitterness of pains we inflict....... Love u...Truly...Madly...Deeply

Stagnant

It was a dark evening, the sky was pitch black, the winds were strong and cold…I was sitting at the staircase-top, one of my favorite places. I stared at the sky, it showed me how lightening tore itself into two parts, and how the divided parts were one whole part simultaneously…I smiled….mayb at the metaphor, mayb at my fate..it started to rain…I clutched the raindrops but they slipped out of my fingers..they always does…u can feel them,but u cant hold them back…so much like you…innit?

My feels hurt…I feel them…lingering in my mind…burning my inside gushing to and fro…I drench in rain..to soothe myself…in vain

U don’t really understand me. now u want to take revenge...i stare at ur words with big teary eyes..i wonder how? how?i turn pale with fear...fear of being abandoned in dark..There was a time when u did…when u were there to caress me even before I sought u..but life changes…I shuddered in fear as the lightening struck again..i am afraid of the cruel world. I am afraid of darkness….i was a departed soul in search of home, u gave me everything and more than I needed. I clutched u strongly, with my every single feel…I still try clutching u…but now am exposed to the darkness even more than before…I had a hope then….now I have none…I shudder again….in cold and dark…I look here and there with big stary eyes…hoping u wud embrace me and bring me safe home…I clutch my feeble fingers round my arms..in fear…in despair…searching blankly for u…desperately wanting u…before I decompose...completely

Webbed

Lifes complex ..real complex...i was only feeling i wud relax when the new set of prbs welcomed me...rather disgusting! pooh! so now...some daily updates

my team presentation was great..have never really felt so comfortable during presentation...purely pleased! finally i am overcoming my stage fears...hope the rest go well..inshallah

next comes few complicacies...actually no time to sort those....i am dipped in academic pressures..severely..i am so stuck that i cant even go out on 1st boishakh...ah..not true..actually i find him dis-oriented to hang out ...so i am malfunctioning also

i am satisfied with some solutions regading a few relations....phew..doesnt fell good when close relations go out of hand...so m glad.

okay...now my pc is a piece of trouble. always this prb htat prb. it feels like a burden sumtimes..because my ppl at home are not at all co-operative...so any repairing is greeted with severe frown and tsky comments...hate em. i just pray everything gets handy..inshallah

and finally...i am content with him rite now...though sumtimes i feel severe bad and i want those expression desperately, i can controll myself...by saying myself that now its turn to b friends, if he doesnt want to fulfil the desires of a relationship, i'll never force him. if hez comfortable like this- being ONLY friends, i dont have any objections actually. its his need due to which i responsed for the different phase, if he doesnt want it, i wud bury the expectations inside ..rite away

but still sumtimei gaze blankly...wondering where the needs are minimized,i know they are not vanished....they are somewhere...unnoticed

Cheat

U study hard ,preparing urself for upcoming xam,u spend sleepless night studying; next day u go for the xam, sit alone..a group of boys study less...sits together...cheats and gets full marks. u get less. at the end, u get a grade, and maybe they gets better than u...then they gets labelled as "good students" whilst u act sulky. effort pays off ha? haha...it seldom does....

i just wonder how ppl can cheat. doesnt they have this tiny much self -respect? ntohing? doesnt it feel a shame to ask from others and express ur ignorance? and furthermore..doesnt it feel lame to accumulate marks from cheating without u giving even little effort?

i know ppl will smirk at me if i say this..but i cant help it...cheating is so so lame...it contradicts my principles hardly. u work hard..u get result accordingly. why shud u get result even if u dont work hard? then whats the point of working hard at all?


y am i telling all these today? because i have a friend, he would always ask all sort of academic helps from me, and i do help him bcoz hez my friend. but when its exam time, he wud sit with a group of other ppl giving a lame excuse y he wont seat next to me...because he wud then cheat from those group of boys and get full marks...man..i pity ur attitude...u r pathetic

and then again, nomatter how much u help ppl, thyewill never stop accussing u for the wrong. tell them thousand correct answer, they wont care to feel,but say them one single wrong answer, or dont say them...man...they will notch u with their sharp-clawed accusations. its okay..as long as the person isnt someone for whom u really care and he doesnt care abt u back; and doesnt have respect for ur self-respect, doesnt have emotion for ur scars...i guess its okay...totally

Knotz

i was leading a linear life...and trust me it was good...i dont want variations with problems. problem is one thing i m most afraid of....they gives me goosebumps and makes me quiver alone in the darkness leaving me totally helpless....i didnt expect this turning up..i really didnt..now my prayers are that this doesnt get worse...i plead to thee Allah...please...

traitors all....bd society sucks in true sense. ppl are so dyamn cheap minded. u see a girl hanging out with a boy...suddenly u become very much socially "responsible" and shriek at them...furthermore u even perform ur "holy" responsibility of letting others know abt it who mite as well destroy a realtion blooming in buds...bd scoiety sucks...in true sense!

i cant lose my most precious gem....u r to precious for me to give up..may Allah bless us, inhsallah he will..amen

Beshi na ektu..bolo tumi

"Bashbe ki amake ektu bhalo?
Beshi a ektu..bolo tumi?"

These are nothing but myths. Ah! Bulls eye dude…bulls eye! . Feelings are nothing but adrenaline rush….very true…specially for boyz…feelings have no depth (99.99%)..all they cares abt is their self satisfaction and happiness. No matter how much of love a girl pours into the love tea-pot…guyz provide just a pinch…guyz go crazy for u…they can die for u…once they gets u….gradually the same things which used to be admired before are criticized then…the girl sits back and wonders how to rectify..how to please…but the brutal truth is that guyz love sublimes ,evaporates out..

Linear

sometimes i am just too dis-oriented, at other times, i am too enthusiatic....its hard to balance.mayb bcoz i am an extremist. Lat night i argued without ny reason. i know what things are, how things are...still sometiems i am just out of controll. actually the memory pangs bites each time. i hate to be neglected...this one thing simply leashes everything else.

at present...things are on linear path. no adventures, no breaks...no nothing. its simply routine...and so sometimes i find myself malfunctioning...i need a driving force always to keep up to my heels.


i dont find the spirit of studying. because i really really tried ,but ended up in blundering ..after thati simply lost my hopes..because i have seen ppl with much less efforts are getting throught..i wonder why i am always the other side of the coin...lucks never flips on my side...i dont bliv in luck..i bliv in turning my luck towards my direction...

my thoughts are scattered today...bcoz i am dis-oriented...highly..yawn...lifez too boring sumtimes...i seriously need some passion

Oprarptir khatay..

Shrishtikortar kache aj korjore khoma prarthona korchi....amar onk oporadh...kintu tar shashtigulo eto kothin keno? somehow amar luck bhishon kharap...mone pore gagan er kotha..he said he had immense luck..i didnt bliv in luck ...but now i do..true buddy, u do have luck....i wish u and ur girl all the luck...

ppl simply cant imagine the pangs of being a "unlucky" . hahaha...even GOD discriminates... ami kokhonoi chance nite parina. erokom kokhono hoy nai je ami cheshta na korei luck er jor e kichu peye gesi...but erokom shobshomyo hoy...cheshta kori pranpon..kintu paina.....i dont know waht to feel...who to blame...luck te amar borabor i kharap...thorughout my entire life...i pure out my best...but end result e dekha jay amar ashe pasher manushgulo cheshta na koreo amar cheye upore uthe jay...call me whatever u want...but i hate it...ami manusher shei unnoti shojjo korte parina, jei unnoti "luck" er jore prapto, jate nijer etotuku porisrom nai...

somehow today i am terribly upset...simply beyond i can comprehend ..... wheni am in melancholy, sometimes i badly want the special support...but somehow, i am disappointed..most of the time..ppl are "bz" with their "fun"

ami manushta khub odvut....nijer koshter shomoy ashe pashe manusher anondo dekhle kata'r moto khoch kore bedhe.... obossho kotha puropuri shotti noy...manusher ki anondo ki dukkho tate amar boyei gelo..kintu amar koshte ontoto karo to kichu bothered hobar kotha.. naki koshto take songkramito korena? it hurts to see that nothing bothers some ppl...really hurtz...when u r left all alone...totally alone..
je jare chay she tare payna...konokichuri kono value nai...keu mullo deyna ashole ...net result is always ZERO......Z-E-R-O

Losing speed

Running like something...phew...this exam,that report..this project....arghh! nah, i do love working, but i dont like working more when others neglect their jobs and still get through. one thing i simply cant tolerate is discrimination, and unfortunately, i face it every time.

Ah...sometmes a few words make u feel good even in ur worse times..the power of words truly is captivating. when i were totally down, i have been charmed by someones words..which were my driving force, which made me run with a lot of speed...but my strenghts are minimizing...i keep waiting and waiting...but i end up with a sigh..i look at the mirror....i monologue with myself..i wonder waht changed? me or other variables? i still wonder....and i wait...with losing speed...losing my mind...into the blue of depression

Weirdoz

Academic pressure...nah they dont actually bother me much...reason? I want motion in my life..i dont want to be stagnant....i want to utilize my skills...sharpen my abilities...use my potentials to the fullest extent. Everyone doesn't excel in every fields...the key of success lies in pouring ur talents where u have strongest grip; call me nerd, call me geek, but my field is study. people raise their eye-brows, peers jeer...but i smile....because study is the only field- whose importance is accepted by one to all. music lovers have a recognition in their arena, but not to non-music lovers, same goes for sports and other fields....the point is, intelligent people are recognised and respected by simply everyone. the success ,however is not recognised by acertain group only. and so, i chose to excel in study...and love to top in my exams, to get results with flying colors and smile in content. Ofcourse, i am thankful and grateful to my creator for giving me the ability...and to some extent i heartily thanks those ppl who jeered at me,making me bound to compete ,giving me a arrogancy to defeat them...true indeed..u need grapevines...to sort out ur faults and excel to be proven extra-ordinary. Hence. i proudly label myself as a "Nerdy" scholar. Whee!

Solitude...

Sometimes solitude is the best companion..being a loner, somehow i enjoy solitude...it provides a feeling of serenity...like a calm wind..brushing thorugh my cheeks...i recall the saying "And no one remains tillthe end but your shadow.." ...true.... I craved for this feeling since a long time..long long time...i craved to feel the ting of serenity..i was deprived...anxiousnes and frustration engulfed me ..blurring my visions.....but i was patient...and the intrinsic reward paid-off....today cant say i am not happy...I AM! and i thank my creator for granting me such bliss...i am grateful...by heart I am happy...with my environment..with my limited independence..with my unlimited dreams..with a few persons in my small world...with the "one" special person making my world...I dont expect the sky but a scrap of it...and i am content..with my little bits...that combine to make a big picture ...envisioning my little hopes and droplets of dreams....

I am loving my life....life IS beautiful...Loving u....

Oratrika..

Blogging is more like a virtual diary to me. Somtimes u need to share and organize your thoughts, have a monologue with your inner -self..that exactly why i am creating this blog...to have a space where i can scribble down my thoughts ...and sit face-to-face with my inner self..have a conversation. So here i roll my dice...