Agonizing frustrations

i am deeply frustrated today,simply deeply. the funny part is i hope communism existed,there is so much partiality evrywhere,simply so much. i dont have oppurtunity to do lots of things,lots of things i am really good at,i have quality, but due to lack of oppurtunity and abundance of limitation, i cant prove it. ppl who have complete independence have every doors open for them,they dont need any other pre-requisite; funny how this independence thing always comes in between my ambitions. i feel really sorry for myself, i am tied by lead,so hard that i cant lift myself up. i lie odwn helplessly and see ppl fly by me with ecstasy , i am agonized,once more.

i want to talk about my problems,i want to share my worries with you. but i cant do that. u r so obsessed with urself, u dont have time to lend and ear to my screams which echoes amidst me. if i even say my frustrations to u, u wud simply get disgusted instead of saying two soothing words...i step back..with fear,with scars going deeper..i stare at the sky , drop of tear glistens on my cheek for a moment then dissolves...doesnt matter...does it honey?

Sweet November

I just watched the movie,its so eternally and unrealistically sweet...rite they says ...this typo love only happens in movies. too sweet to be true,aint it? May be..
I was so engrossed in this movie that for once i started regretting the absence such true love; even i aint exceptional, many a times i find myself buried in the hectic academic and career schedules so much that i ignore my feels. life now does not give us the oppurtunity to listen to our own heart-beats. i dontlike this kind of life..i am bound to give in this competetion,only so that i dont fall behind,but honestly, i dont like it,i dont.
i have always wanted a simple n peaceful cosy life, with love n love evrywhere. guess i am still in utopian world...now am i? but i guess it aint a fault to expect it...dreams dont have limits,no bundaries to frame them in....do they?
Nah,theya ctually said it right, love is for movies and books, not for real life, nobody would care for me so much, abt each of my tiny feels and aspirations, and wud die to see me happy....it only happens in movies...ya rite !

Meltdown

Some disturbing happenings. When u are bugged due to your own mistakes, that’s totally understandable, but being really bothered due to someone elses mean-minded attitude, leaving u suffer irritating circumstances…simply gets on my nerves. And I really detest those kind of people who spreads black talks regarding sumone to sumone and tries to be all-goody to everyone thinking he delivered some very important information…those suckers…rot in hell! Ahh..i really should calm myself down…but I am so damn pissed…so very much..

I feel very scattered today, as if I need to accumulate lotsa things-for the long run. Sumtimes I am so in dilemma…thinking abt future and lotsa other things. I wish I had all the raw-materials needed. I have to work hard to accumulate em all. I cant hold myself at times…its tiring…to keep on fighting endlessly against circumstances, people and with ur very own self. I wish I had some pacifier…who would hold me very close and utter to me timeless tales. Sometimes I really wish he were bit more extrovert, not always , but atleast sumtimes…I really need to be cuddled at times, when I am extremely tired and lonesome, when I find myself really shelterless, I wish he would understand and say sweet things that wud make me feel sublime again. I don’t blame him, I know hez sweetest…but I just wish if sumtimes, for a change, he would take care of me..i just wish…a fairy –tale wish…

Its one of those days when u rethink over matters and consider urself “lucky”. Hmm…for the pessimistic sort of person like me…this is a feel in a million..really! Its not that I always feel the same, but sometimes , when I sit, level-headed, having a friendly conversation with my own –self, I know it in my heart, I am lucky. I have a family ,which is not “fatafati understanding” like others…but at least, they loves me more than their life. I might not have facilities from my family or independence, but I have something more precious to cherish…feelings..the unconditional love and innumerable sacrifices my parents makes for me. And I have got a loving person who is my everything-sometimes hez my closest friend, sometimes mhez my guardian,scolding for the miniature errands I commit (innocently;),sometimes my lil child commiting loads of mischiefs,and sometimes my soul-mate, providing me with warmth of love in a very introvert way-My clupi…my love……my duttu…my adii.

I see ppl singled out asks each other out…within one or two day..they starts goin gout,then they declare them officially as couples, some more parties with each other, then one fine morning one argument,and finally break-up. And then the newly singled out again “searching” …pathetic old cycle. Now I see these cycles quite very often…so I rethink over my scrap of good old complains. And neutrally speaking , I shudnt complain, I have got more than perfection. After rethinking, I must confess, he was right. And I really don’t want cheeky love that lasts for a while, instead I am very happy with the silent dedication he has, with his silent ways of expressing the love that is pure and warm…and evelasting. No seriously guys, I AM lucky..alhamdulillah :D

My Homie

I sometimes simply wonder how my adi perfectly fits as Homer Simpson. Hez juss like that. Chubbly dubbly,always messes everything up and still wont be least serious as needed. Hez cute…aint he, my sweet fatso! Hez just that big man with more inncocence and immaturity than a child. And I dunno why, this very weird characteristic of his makes me love him more dearly. I guess I have some neurons missing….D’oh! I love his simplicity…love the way he isn’t afraid of calling a spade a spade, love the way he feels sheepishly, love his charm, love the way he stares deep into my eyes ,love the way he mocks me, love the way he scowls at me, and love the way ….he is HIMSELF…and before u make me angry again , I want to say loud clear,on top o of my voice….U r the sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeetest honey,u r my Homie........Chokaaaaaash!

Dried Tears;Fake smiles

Facing my chin up, staring at the scrap of sky that’s visible through my lil rectangular window, once again Iet myself splash…amidst my whimsical wave of thoughts. Somehow it eases me…provides me some fresh air to breathe in..lessens my suffocating suffocation. Today’s rambles? “TO BE A PART OR TO BE APART”

They says “If u love someone, let him free, if he comes back, hez been urs; if he doesn’t, he was never urs.” So I let thee free. I close my eyes, my lips flash a slight curve. I know things aint working that way. Some people are born different, they can be happy anywhere and everywhere, no factors are variables. Or should I say I am different? Why do I yearn for this presence in every moment? I shud be tired…just like the way ppl are of me. But still I aint..not the least; and I still yearn and jump to my feet whenever I have the slightest opportunity to see that silhouette. I crave to look into those eyes, to brush my hand against those fingers, to ruffle those hairs….but now look at me…hez so close and yet all I do is blankly stare , trying to touch him with my vision. I don’t gather up the courage to touch….past he “screams” at me. I take my hand back, my heart aching a bit…just a bit.

I got my prince charming who walked into my life gallantly and enlightened my life with the spectrum of dreams. i started living on house of clouds . I was happy. All through my life I craved a drop of love, I got embraceful of it…poor me….i helplessly look for it here and there …picking up even tidbits of that precious love which I am completely deprived of now. Reminds me of a song-

“Zindegi mein kabhi koyi aye na rabba

Aye jo koi to fir jaye na rabba

Dene ho agar tujhe bad me aasu

To pehle koyi has aye na rabba”

I am brittle-very much. I cant solve the equations of past n present. Those desperateness, those dedication….i want my life to stop there. I am very lonely little soul, I cant face cruel world. The person whose heart ached for me, who were always there to comfort me, is now in oblivion. I don’t want to be practical, I want to be cuddled by those dreams….i don’t want to be left all alone amidst a big crowd.

If any of u ever meet that person ,tell him that little girl is very afraid..she is very timid, she always has been so throughout her entire life, tell him everyone in this world is very rude, they stabs her feelings, tell him his once cared ,once most precious clupi now shudders all alone,with everyone walking past her, busy with their own life, busy with their own goals ignores her completely…tell him she doesn’t know this world, tell him she searches helplessly for him….and she counts stars with the hope he wud be back and embrace her and love her just the way he did. And he wudnt leave her all alone…to make her feel helpless. Tell him …wud u?

Clupination

And thats exactly how life is, pains make the honey of happiness sweeter.....true u hurt me deeply sumtimes, but it cant stop me from loving u madly; u know y ? coz the sweetness of the love we share is a lot more sweeter than the bitterness of pains we inflict....... Love u...Truly...Madly...Deeply